Circled in Ink

Today is scan day for our good friend Dumbledore*, last night she had to get the scanxiety out of her mind, I think her words will touch you all.  We are all rooting for you Little Warrior, scan time was 7 am.

We call it living between scans. If you get the dreamed-of “NED,” you enjoy a moment
of … well, it’s not really joy or celebration. Relief. For the moment. And you learn
to dive into life. Not ignoring reality, but not dwelling on it, either. Living your new
normal. And you do things you couldn’t anticipate during treatment. Get stressed out
over stupid things like traffic and work deadlines like in the olden pre-cancer days.
Come in the house and DON’T wash your hands. Fuss at your kid.

And then … it’s time for scans. Scan-xiety kicks in. When? A week before, a few days?

Distraction helps. I’m in seminary. Big test last week, lots of studying needed. And a
world religions project. Then a big ass Halloween party at my house. Halloween. Trick
or treating.

It is the night before scans. A biggie. Two years ago tonight, Little Warrior walked out
the hospital, her regimen done. We even made it home in time for trick-or-treating.

Thanks to the distractions, other than a scary thought here or there, a worry when Little
Warrior complains of a stomach ache, scan-xiety hasn’t set up house in my head. Til
now.

A ministerial colleague sends out a great article on hospice care. Halfway through
reading about someone dying of cancer, I realize: Perhaps I should wait a few days
before reading this. And then the thought: what if in a few days, I need to read this?

It is Halloween tonight. Others are watching slasher flicks, scary movies. The irony is
not lost on me. I am terrified.

I spoke with my father earlier today. He tells me that unless he is told otherwise, he just
assumes all will be well. It is a good philosophy, and I’m glad it works for him. But
my five year old daughter has had cancer twice. I am once-bitten, twice-shy. No, that’s
not correct. Twice-bitten? Oh, I know. “Trick me once, shame on you, trick me twice,
shame on me …”

My life might change tomorrow. My life and the life of everyone who loves Little
Warrior. And obviously, Little Warrior’s life.

But the truth is, every person living might have a life-altering experience tomorrow.
Every day. We are fragile and because we love, the amount of people whose lives impact
us, leaving us vulnerable to those life-altering experiences, is exponential.

I simply have one of those days circled in ink on a calendar.

May today be just another day on the calendar, for all of us, and especially the family of Little Warrior.

Edited to add: At 1:38 pm Dumbledore's facebook status simply stated, "Ned."  Relief unbounded for Little Warrior and her family.




*we call her Dumbledore, because she is just full of great wisdom and we sometimes feel a little Harry Potter like in awe of her.  The important thing is to realize, Dumbledore gets scanxiety too.